


Ad Astra Per Aspera

by Why_do_you_want_to_know



Series: I Missed You [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Asexual Castiel (Supernatural), Bad Parent John Winchester, Cas will give him said hug, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel's Nickname is Cas (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Has Nightmares, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Hunter Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Nightmares, Protective Castiel (Supernatural), dean struggles to realise that though, ex-FBI agent Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-01-30 04:30:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21422230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Why_do_you_want_to_know/pseuds/Why_do_you_want_to_know
Summary: A sequel to my previous work "I Missed You" I would recommend reading that one, but you probably can read this one without reading that."Cas was an amazing hunter, and that wasn't the problem. The problem was he was so all around perfect and Dean was…. Dean was Dean."
Relationships: Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: I Missed You [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1544317
Comments: 7
Kudos: 66





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone!! It's taken some time but here is the sequel!! It will be multiple chapters long so I hope you enjoy!!  
The title is Latin for "Through hardships to the stars"

Cas was a good hunter. No one could even begin to claim he wasn't.

His time in the FBI made him comfortable with a gun; his aim was amazing and he could take apart a gun almost as fast as Dean himself could. He was also very good at the 'impersonation an FBI agent' bit, you know, because he was an FBI agent. Well he used to be anyway. The point was that he could easily just act like he used to and work from there. No one had ever suspected Dean and Sam as being fakes, but Cas was twice as convincing. He was also really relaxed about the whole hunting part, it helped that he had known about monsters since he was a young boy in a boys home, but he also had amazing tracking skills. Monsters no longer frightened him too much and he had done enough research over the years to know what was what. Anything he didn't know? He would just research. It turned out he was just as good with technology and lore as Sam was.

Cas was an amazing hunter, and that wasn't the problem. The problem was he was so all around perfect and Dean was…. Dean was Dean.

How could he ever live up to that? How could he ever deserve Cas?

Why would Cas ever love him?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Hey guys, get this." Sam said looking up from his laptop with a grim smile, "I've found us a case. Werewolves from the looks of it." They had just finished a vampire case but there was no rest for them and there was always a new case around.

Cas walked over to look at the screen but Dean didn't bother; he just stayed sitting on the dirty motel bed, staring at the dark brown walls and trying not to let his mind wander too much. Cas and Sam could figure it out. They were the brains, Dean would sit back and wait until they told him where to direct his brawn.

To be fair, he knew it wasn't true. He was cleverer than that. He could do this; figuring out a case didn't really need brains anyway, but he couldn't do it as well as the other two could and anyway, everything which Dad used to say was true. He was useless, he didn't deserve anything. Everyone would be better off if he stuck to the shadows and let everyone else do their thing.

"You ok Dean?" Cas asked, walking back over and sitting on the bed next to him. He sat so close that their thighs were pressed together and Cas picked up his hand. Dean didn't deserve someone so amazing. Why did Cas choose him?

"I'm fine." He assured, putting on the smile he had perfected over the years. The one which looked real enough, even though it really wasn't.

"Really?" Cas asked. He may have not seen Dean for years, but he knew his boyfriend. Luckily for Dean, he had learned how to hide his feelings properly in the time since they were young.

"Really." This time his smile was a little more genuine as he leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Cas' nose.

Cas' smile was blinding and Dean could feel it start to burn like a vampire who had wandered into the sunlight, because that's what Cas was. Pure beautiful sunlight, shame Dean was too cursed to deserve it. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to have a smile like that directed at him.

"I'm going to nip in the shower." He said quickly pulling away from Cas and walking towards the bathroom, he could see Cas' smile drop and it hurt his heart to see but he buried the feeling deep down. He knew it was for the best. The best for Cas. "I'll see you soon." He walked in and shut the door and only once he was sure no one could see him, he let his smile drop and his true feelings reflect on his face.

He turned the spray as hot as it could go but not even that could burn away the nagging feeling of uselessness floating on the edge of his consciousness. 

How could he ever deserve Cas?

Why would Cas ever settle for him?

He stood under the shower for as long as he could get away with without his brother and Cas getting worried, and them climbed out slowly, changing into a pair of boxers and a sleeping t-shirt and shuffling back out. Sam barely even glanced up when Dean emerged, just grabbed his bag and slipped into the bathroom before the door could fully close, leaving Cas and Dean alone in the room together. Sometimes they got separate rooms, Dean and Cas in one, Sam in the other, but often they didn't bother. It was cheaper to just get one and it wasn't like they were planning to fool around at all.

Dean looked around and saw Cas already curled up in their bed reading. He had taken a shower just after the hunt (he had been splattered with vamp guts) and they hadn't been out since so Cas had just gotten changed and headed to bed. He looked so peaceful, his face set into a slight scowl as he read - his book character was probably doing something incredibly stupid - and he was barely moving, only turning he page once in a while, so engroced in his book he only noticed Dean walk over when the bed dipped slightly as he climbed in.

"How's the book going Cas?" Dean asked with a smile. He didn't actually care what was happening in Cas' book, he wasn't planning on reading it, but when Cas talked about his books he was so passionate, so excited to say what was going on, and it just filled Dean's heart with joy to see his boyfriend so animated.

Dean smiled as Cas started talking, recounting all the events of the last chapter of his book, "And for some reason they aren't talking which is just going to cause a huge misunderstanding!" Cas finished, waving his arms a bit to prove his point while his eyes almost glowed in the low light of the room.

"Ah." Dean said. He didn't quite know what else to say but felt he should say something. Here was yet bother reason that he didn't deserve Cas. Cas was so passionate and he loved reading - Dean barely ever read and he could never even dream of acting that passionate. He was one of those people who locked their feelings away, and that includes good feelings like passion. It really showed how much he loved Cas that it managed to grow past all the barriers he had in place to shield his heart. To be fair, his barriers had been slightly lower while at Sonny's, so maybe he worked his way in then and just never left.

"Yup." Cas said with a smile, seemingly uncaring about Dean's lack of reaction. He carefully put a bookmark in the pages - he would never even think of dog-earing a book - 'how dare you even suggest that Dean!' - and turned his light off before shuffling backwards until his back was pressed against Dean. Dean smiled at the not-so-subtle hint, and reached to turn off his own light before slipping down the sheets and joining Cas.

He wrapped his arms around the warm lump of his boyfriend, and felt a smile grow on his face. In times like these, Dean allowed the voices in his head to shut up. He deserved this. Cas chose him. He deserved Cas. Cas loved him and he loved Cas.

Sometimes he just wished he could believe it in the light of day, but in the light of day his mistakes were impossible to ignore.


	2. Chapter 2

"Ugh" Dean groaned as a large werewolf jumped up at him, knocking his gun out of his hand and his breath out of his lungs.

He tried to maneuver himself to grab the silver blade he had on him, but it was just out of reach and the werewolf was right on top of him, it's teeth dangerously close to his neck.

He couldn't move. Not even an inch. It's teeth were right there, opening around his neck.

The sound of a gunshot went off and the heavy weight of the wolf collapsed on top of him, scarlet blood pooling around him.

"You ok?" Cas asked from where he was still fighting the rest of the pack.

Dean just nodded, unable to find the words.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dean knew that Cas was worried about him. He knew that Sam was worried about him. Hell, he was worried about himself. The only difference was that he knew what was wrong.

They had turned up at the town with the wolf case, and straight away Cas and Sam had started researching, planning and interviewing. Cas had impersonated an FBI agent and gotten them their biggest clue, Sam had found the lair, Cas had killed some of the wolves, Sam the rest. Dean had driven them around, been pinned to the floor by an angry wolf, and hadn't even been able to kill that one, Cas had to do it.

So what was wrong?

Dean had just realised how useless he was. How much Sam and Cas didn't need him. He just slowed them down and got in the way.

Why would Cas ever love him? Why did Sam put up with him? Why did he stick around? They were the perfect team…. If Dean left they would have nothing stopping them. They could go out and rid the world of all evil.

Sam had gone out to get them all some food. Dean knew that this would probably result in him having to eat rabbit food, but he was too defeated to argue. As soon as they had gotten back to the motel, Dean had gone into the shower; hoping he could wash his failures off as easily as he could wash off werewolf blood.

He couldn't.

"Dean." Cas said gently, sitting down next to him on the motel bed. Dean was reminded of just a couple of days ago, after that vamp hunt. Different town. Different hunt. Different motel. Similar situation. But back then, Dean hadn't figured out why he wasn't worthy. Now he had. "Dean are you ok?" Cas asked again and it was only then that Dean realised he'd been staring off into space.

"Yeah I'm fine." He said with a very fake smile. You know, like a liar.

"Clearly." Cas muttered under his breath, gently lifting his hand and stroked down Dean's face, behind his ear and down to his chin, "whatever your dark thoughts are saying, it isn't true." Dean sighed. He never seemed able to hide anything from Cas. It was like the guy could see straight into Dean's soul and see what he was truly feeling.

Dean wanted to keep up his false bravado, but he couldn't stop himself from leaning into Cas' touch and closing his eyes.

"Now, how are you really?" Cas asked, lying down on the - questionable - motel sheets and pulling Dean down with him, before curling tightly around him like a small octopus.

Dean couldn't help the slight smile which escaped at having Cas curled around him, even if he wanted to protest about being the little spoon, he just kept his mouth shut and allowed the hold of Cas to allow him to find his balance.

He shoved his fears and his problems deep deep down before turning to look at Cas and saying "I'm fine." With actual conviction for once. Cas stared right at him, doubt filling his piercing blue gaze. Dean couldn't bare to be under their scrutiny for any longer so carefully leaned forwards, pressing their lips together and sending all the love he felt for Cas into the kiss.

Even after all the times they had kissed, it never got any less magical. The way their mouths fitted together perfectly, the way fireworks erupted in Dean's stomach, the way Cas could kiss with such softness and such feeling all at once. It was just mind-blowing.

Dean smiled as they both pulled away and Dean flipped back over, Cas instantly wrapping himself around him once again. "Octopus." He muttered with a fond smirk.

"We do still have to talk about this later." Cas said before snuggling his face into Dean's back, "I know you're lying." Dean sighed, knowing it was true but hoping that Cas would at least let him wait until they had their own room to have the talk. He didn't really want to have it somewhere his brother could randomly walk in. He'd been acting fine around his brother for too long to let that charade just crumble.

"Hey guys!" Sam called as he walked in. He didn't even blink at Cas curled around his brother like a boa constrictor, it was a regular occurrence; he'd gotten used to it. "Come on Cas, stop trying to squish my brother and come and get some food.

Cas gave a long suffering sigh before untangling himself and walking over to the table where Sam was laying out their food. The wonderful greasy smell drifted through the air and Dean quickly jumped up. He could smell burgers.

He quickly grabbed his burger and took a big bite. It was heaven in his mouth. His good mood was only dampened slightly by the look Cas gave him. He wasn't going to drop the whole talking later thing.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The next time they were booking a motel, Cas made sure to get two rooms. Sam didn't question it and Dean just sighed. He couldn't run from this conversation forever.

He hurried into their room, hoping that he could get in and into the shower before Cas followed and make him talk.

He failed.

"Dean." Cas said, his voice filled with so much love that Dean couldn't physically ignore it, "come here." Dean wanted to say no, wanted to jump in the shower and pretend that this was all avoidable, his feet started walking towards Cas anyway.

"Heya Cas, what's up?" He asked with a large smile on his face. He knew that he wasn't tricking anyone but it was worth a shot. He would pretend to be oblivious and innocent, even though Cas would know he wasn't.

You know exactly what's up." Cas said as Dean sat on the bed. As soon as Dean was seated, Cas adjusted slightly so he could lay his head on Dean's shoulder while holding his hand. "Now, are you ok?"

"I'm fine." Dean answered out of reflex alone. If he had actually thought his answer over, he wouldn't have thought for a second that he would manage to successfully lie to his boyfriend. Unfortunately for him, he didn't think.

"Are you ok?" Cas repeated, clearly deciding to ignore Dean's lie but squeezing his hand in comfort anyway.

Dean sighed. He could tell the truth, but maybe if he told the truth then Cas would realise what has always been true and break up with him. "Everything's good." He said. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Cas lifted his head up and glared at Dean.

"Tell the truth. Why were you acting odd? Why are you staying out of hunts?" Cas demanded, his tone hard and leaving no room for arguments.

"You know me. I hate research." Dean answered, completely sidestepping the question.

"No. You may not like research but you always help." Cas pointed out and Dean sighed. Did he really have to answer this?

One look from Cas was all it took. His walls were already crumbling, Cas just smashed them down with a sledge hammer. "I'm useless. I just slow you and Sam down." He said with a sigh, "just look at the last couple of hunts, I caused more problems than I solved."

"You are not useless!" Cas snapped. Dean blinked in shock, he had never heard his boyfriend so mad.

"I am." Dean protested weakly. He had a whole argument in his head, but it was hard to argue when Cas was staring at him with such love, such adoration in his eyes.

"No you're not. And you never will be." Cas whispered, pulling Dean into a tight hug. Tight, like Cas was trying to break all the insecurities which his inside him.

Dean took a deep breath. This was it. He had to tell the whole truth, but once he said this, it would be done. Cas would realise he was right and their happy bubble would burst.

"I don't deserve you."

There was a moment of complete silence, but then Cas just pulled Dean tighter into him, squishing them together and holding on so tight that Dean couldn't move an inch, as though if he held on tight enough all his feelings would diffuse into Dean. "What do you mean?" He asked quietly, his words slightly muffled from where his face was smushed into Dean's back.

"You are amazing Cas and I - I'm just me. I can never live up to you, never live up to Sam. I just slow you down." Dean blurted out in a moment of brutal honesty. As soon as the words were out of his mouth he regretted them, wow, way to get your boyfriend to feel sorry for you and stick around. And Dean didn't want that. Sure, he wanted Cas to stay around, but he wanted Cas to stay because he wanted to. Not because he felt obliged to.

"What?" Cas asked, his voice sounded shocked even though Dean had already said it twice. If it was anyone else, Dean would have believed that it was some cruel joke to make him say everything that was wrong with him, but he knew Cas wasn't like that; Cas was honestly confused. Dean didn't know why he was confused, but he was.

"You are amazing at everything you do!" He almost shouted, his filter broken while he tried to explain to Cas why he deserved so much better. "you are an amazing person, an amazing person and an amazing boyfriend and I'm… I'm me." His voice trailed off towards the end, exhaustion filling his words. He just didn't understand why anyone would choose him, least of all Cas. All he could think was that maybe Cas still thought of him as the boy he had known at Sonny's, maybe he had somehow managed to trick Cas into staying with him.

"Dean…. You're everything I could and do ever want. You. Just you. Because to me, you are incredible." Cas' tone was filled with more love than Dean could honestly say he had ever heard in one place, and he couldn't help but gently start drawing patterns on Cas' hand, where it was flopped over his waist. He knew he shouldn't be indulging himself, he should be showing Cas that what Dean was saying was true, but he couldn't help himself. There was something about Cas that always seemed to melt everything about Dean.

"I could never live up to you." He whispered, trying to cling to what he knew was true, even while the soft kisses Cas was peppering against his neck was making him doubt himself. Not like he didn't do that constantly but this was different.

"That's the thing about being together. We face things together. You don't have to live up to each other because it's not a competition. I love you for you. You are amazing to me." Dean listened closely, listening for anything which could suggest it was a lie. He found nothing but the truth in Cas' words.

"Really?" He whispered, wriggling until he was facing towards Cas.

"Really." Cas replied, leaning forwards to kiss him on the nose, "I love you." Before Dean could even think about answering, Cas was capturing his lips in a kiss. Dean smiled slightly at the love he could feel posting off his boyfriend and he could feel Cas doing the same.

But he still didn't deserve this.

Almost as though he could hear Dean's doubt, Cas tightened their hug. Dean could already tell he wasn't going to escaping this hug any time soon. It was just as well because he didn't want to anyway. But he still didn't believe Cas. It couldn't be true. Because that would mean dad was lying.


	3. Chapter 3

_ Dean sighed as he crept slowly through the house. The sitting room lamp was still desperately trying to illuminate the room, despite the sun shining in and flooding the room with its own light, blocking the lamp's desperate attempt. Dean can't help but relate to that lamp, no matter how hard he tries, Sam will ally ways drown him out. _

_ Don't get him wrong, he loves that kid. It's just- take a day like today as an example. He woke up at 6, cooked, got Sam off to school, went to work a shift at the garage, got back to the motel and tried his best to keep their family afloat. But obviously, he never gets any thanks, all he gets is Sam asking him why he doesn't go to school anymore and his dad hissing that he better not drag Sam down with him. Not when Sam actually has a future. Dean doesn't mention that a future for Sam is all he wants - all he's ever been allowed to want. _

_ He continued sneaking around, turning forgotten lights off and picking up deserted rubbish. It wasn't too bad - it wasn't fun but he wasn't hungry and he knew Sam was safe and as school. He had just walked into the kitchen when he found his Dad glaring at him in a drunken rage yelling about how much of a failure he was. _

_ Dean knew his dad was telling the truth, but every now and then piercing blue eyes full his mind, telling him to look after himself and it's hard to ignore them. But as soon as he does take even a minute for himself, his Dad is there. _

_ "You're worthless." _

_ He yells. Or worse - sometimes he just says it so cooly and clearly that Dean can't chalk it down to drunken rage, he just has to get his head around the fact that it's true. No matter how much it rips his heart to realise it. _

_ "The only thing you can do right, is look after Sammy." _

_ But he can't even do that right.  _

_ Last month, when the Bullies were picking on Sam, Dean didn't stop them. It didn't matter that Sam hadn't told him. He should have noticed something was wrong. _

_ Last year, when Dad was away longer than he had planned. Dean hadn't realised in time so he could either get a job or just stop eating. Sam went hungry. It didn't matter that it should be Dad's job to keep food on the table. Nor did it matter that the number of weeks Dean's gone hungry for Sam, I'd bigger than the number of days Sam's gone hungry ever. _

_ He can't even look after his brother right. _

_ "No one could ever love you." _

_ His dad's words echo around and around. _

_ "Unlovable" _

_ And Dean knows they are true, even as bright blue eyes argue, he knows his Dad mist be right. _

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dean awoke with a gasp, tears pricking at his eyes as he tried to fight the constricting weight around his hips. He needed to get out. He needed to get out. Heneededtogetout.

"Dean?" A confused voice asked as a mop of dark hair popped up. It took a moment for Dean's frazzled mind to catch up, but once it did he sighed in relief.

"Cas." He breathed, collapsing back onto the bed and trying to hide in his boyfriend's warmth.

"Are you ok?" Cas hummed gently running his fingers through Dean's hair, causing him to melt against his boyfriend.

"Peachy." Dean mumbled, trying to wipe the dream from his mind. He was ok. Sammy was asleep in the next room, completely ok.

"Dean, what's going on?" Cas asked as Dean tensed up suddenly.

"It was just a nightmare, don't worry." Dean said, but the truth was running through his mind and he couldn't ignore it.

_ "You're worthless." _

_ "The only thing you can do right, is look after Sammy." _

_ "No one could ever love you." _

He gently pulled away, shuffling back until he was perched on the very edge of the bad, as far away from Cas as he could get.

"No it wasn't 'just a nightmare'. When you just have nightmares, you don't wriggle away. You can't even look me in the eyes right now!" Cas' voice broke as he talked, pure hurt filtering into his is and burning in his eyes.

"Look I'm sorry is just -" Dean started, despair filling his voice. He hated whenever he caused Cas pain. He hated himself. This was why he could never be worthy of Cas. Even when he wanted to spare Cas pain, he just caused it instead.

"You're thinking you're not worthy again aren't you." Cas accused, his tone hard and no hint of a question in it

Dean nodded slowly, still not moving closer to Cas. He knew it was stupid, but he also knew it was true.

"This isn't a magical sword. This is a relationship. Whether you are worthy or not is decided by me. And you are." Cas said, gently grabbing onto Dean's wrist and pulling him back along the bed until he was pressed against him. "I fell in love with you at Sonny's and that has never changed and it never will."

Dean sighed, wilting into his boyfriend's warmth, "what if I'm just tricking you. I'm not the boy I was back then." He muttered slowly.

"Dean, I love you. All of you. I fell in love with you in the past, I love you in the present and I will love you in the future, no matter what version of yourself you become."

Dean nodded slowly. The future. Forever with Cas. He would be happy with that. Happy with that? Who was he kidding, he would be ecstatic with that.

His dad's words still echoed in his ear but he shook the away. For Cas, he would go through Hell, ignoring in dead man wouldn't be too hard.

He knew it would be hard. The doubts wouldn't just go, but Cas was worth it. He just had to hope that Cas thought he was worth it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!  
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!!! This has ended up a bit more emotional than i was planning.... but here we are!! Please leave a comment if you enjoyed! I don't know when chapter 2 will be up!! But it will be sooner if you comment!!


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